When I try to set down my thoughts of late I find myself more influenced by the telephone conversations I have had than I am by the discussion occurring on the Internet. A very loose paraphrase of something my brother said to me today. He has been dedicating himself more strongly than I have to challenging oppression for some time now.
"I'm not taking this as hard as you guys are. I'll still be able to do the work I need to do.
"Look, we've both worked really hard for a long time to fuck up our lives, and the system's response to that has been to keep giving us more and more despite that. We're Too White to Fail.
"I'm going to keep taking what they give me and using it to oppose them."
The idea of playing Aaron on behalf of the minorities that straight white men refuse to listen to is a tempting one, even though in the real world I'm the one with a speech impediment. However, I recognize that in general, the people who are most threatened by Donald Trump's ideology don't really want or trust a straight white man to speak for them. They want people to listen to what they have to say. So go do that.
The habits of my old life are creeping back in. As much as I'd like to define myself as someone who used to have a favourite brand of sour cream, I still have a favourite brand of sour cream.
Yet this week has left me forever changed. I am reaching out to more people despite my fear. I am speaking out more strongly in defense of my beliefs. For that matter, my core beliefs and principles have been fundamentally changed by what we've gone through this week.
My wife told me today that she'd feel better about me when we could have a conversation about something other than politics. Honestly, though, I'm already doing that. I'm back to finding silly and strange things to make me laugh, and I'm laughing harder and longer about them than I did before. I'm listening to music again, eating proper meals again. Inside I still know how much we've all lost, but having not lost myself, I continue to be myself.
Per my introduction, I created this blog to "chronicle my experiences and emotions over a particular period of time". I now believe I have done so.
The last post you see on most blogs is the author insisting they haven't given up. I'm declaring this blog finished, so I'll probably be back.
Stay strong. Stay afraid. Keep being there for the people who need you, and don't compromise your beliefs.
